It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
