Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize