my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
