First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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