We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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