I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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