I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
