He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
