yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
