i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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