I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
