Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
