Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
did i walk over a car last night?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
