It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
