Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Randomize
