dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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