I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
