It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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