Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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