Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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