What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
pop tarts are not kleenex
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
