Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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