plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
