I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
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