apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
