Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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