theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
