i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
