He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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