I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
