The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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