You just made me feel so damn special
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
