I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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