I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
