The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
