I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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