sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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