I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Houston, we have a squirter
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize