i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
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