Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
