I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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