I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
