Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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