His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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