this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
