At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
