It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
