did you get engaged???
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
