got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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