I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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