respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
