The best revenge is premature balding
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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