I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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