just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
