Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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