Betty ford says i'm here all night
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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