Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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